When Dreams Don't Come True (but something better happens)

For nine months, birth mothers develop a mental image of the child growing within them. Adoptive moms do likewise - though the time and circumstances may differ. We all have the "ideal" of who and what our child will be and become. 

Dreams and ideals are good - they motivate us to move toward a goal. They stimulate us, and sometimes give us hope when things are unsure. But what happens when the dream turns into a nightmare? 

My oldest child is precocious, charismatic, funny, and passionate. She has two colors in one eye, which is captivating to all that meet her. She is artistic, gifted in both music and sketching. Now, at age 21, she is passionately using her gifts in the poorest state of India to bring hope to orphans and abandoned children. 

When she was nine, we discovered that she had inherited a back disorder. This meant that certain activities were off limits, that pain was a regular part of her life, and that physical therapy and occasional pain management would be necessary through adulthood. 

At about age eleven, we visited a psychologist to explore her anxiety disorder, her ADHD, and to identify a learning disability that held her back in math. I was primarily concerned with the ADHD and learning disability as it related to homeschooling - I wanted to teach her in the way she could best learn. Even as a trained educator, I struggled with finding ways to communicate some concepts with her. However, the psychologist strongly recommended that we get her in for Behavioral Cognitive Therapy for the anxiety that had plagued her since toddlerhood. I put it off. But as we treated the ADHD and worked around the learning disability, and as puberty hit with a vengeance, it became abundantly clear that the anxiety/OCD severely limited her in a great many areas of her life. 

It was about this time that her disorders took a LOT of energy from me, her dad, and from her siblings who had to weather the storms with us. Finally I took her to a licensed therapist who used CBT to help with anxiety disorder/OCD. Medication became necessary to get her to a place where she could begin using the techniques designed to self-manage her anxiety. Within about two years, this little "tyrant" who seemed to take over the family dynamic had developed into a well-balanced young adult with a great compassion for those who don't "fit the mold". 

During all this, there was one, very important lesson I learned. God had a purpose for this little lady that He was molding and shaping into His image. He already had good works planned for her to do, and this time of near insanity for our family was all part of His wise plan in transforming her into the beautiful person she has become. But in order to become part of His team in this preparation, I had to "let the dream die". 

There was plenty of grieving for the person I had dreamed she would become - all the effort I put into making her an amazing adult had to be set aside for the Master Craftsman to do the work of chiseling and sanding her into the image He planned long ago. I needed to set aside my plans for His. It was no easy feat! 

You see, I've learned from all this that like you, I am a very self-centered human being. When it comes to relationships, both at home and within the church, we really have a lot of expectations that do not line up with God's plan for those we love - and those we struggle to love. I'm learning to check my motives in relationships. I'm learning to "let the dream die" and look forward to the amazing plan that God Himself has for the people in my life. 

It comes down to these two questions for me:

• Do I want others to be more like Jesus or do I desire them to be more like an idol I have fashioned with my own hands (imagination)?
• Do I want others to become who God designed them to be and to be pleasing to Him, or do I want them to become something that completes or satisifies me?

As I examine my own motives, I need to exchange my imperfect human will for His Divine Will in the lives of those He's placed me in relationship with. I need to accept my part in His all-wise lesson plans for each individual - loved one or annoying church member. 

Here's an old hymn that I love that beautifully expresses that exchange:

Not My Will 

If I ask for things that I should not ask for 
If I pray for things selfishly 
If I ask for myself and not for my neighbor 
Lift this veil from my eyes and let me see. 

"Not my will, thine by done," prayed Jesus. 
May this same prayer be mine every day. 
When this robe of flesh that I wear makes me falter, 
Guide my steps, hold my hand all the way. 

Check out this video of my 21-year-old and her fellow interns in India
http://vimeo.com/104043181